Outrageous things are happening in New York. Okay, so I can't say much. But here's the skinny. One day last week I pick up the phone and I hear B's frigtard voice and I'm 90% tempted to do that thing where you pretend you're the voice mail system, and say, "Sorry but I'm either away from my desk or on the other line, but if you leave a message I'll call you right back." Instead, like a bonehead, I go, Hey B., what's up. And he says he wants me to come meet.
Lot of people don't know this but B. really has a very silly and sometimes sick sense of humor. He totally loves to pull practical jokes and make prank phone calls. Especially when he's blitzed.
B., you're fun to hang out with, but I think you are getting stoned too much. Too much sun down there in San Jose. Maybe you need a new challenge. I dunno. Take up karate. Or merge with Mickey Mouse.
It´s like with S. Now that D. is living in a loony bin in Southern India, S. thinks he is Da Man. The only thing constant in life is change. You cannot accept and adapt to change, you inevitably end up in a loony bin in Southern India, after working for C.
B. I mean seriously. Can you imagine a world where someone with no experience in finance, business or engineering could become CEO of a huge publicly traded corporation just because they're charismatic, look good on stage and know how to stab people in the back? It makes me shiver when I think about it. Thank God Getty is a meritocracy, that's all I'm gonna say.
While on the topic of C. Do you realize S. now has a company called "SnapAsshole" ???? Seriously. Totally missed that. Check it out.
And come on. Do you mean to tell me of all the possible names in the world, they couldn't come up with something that every teenage boy in the world wouldn't immediately make into a joke?
Like did nobody on the team kinda look at the name and go, like, Uh, hey, dudes, we might have like a problem here or something.
My theory is that they hired a consultant to develop the name and actually paid a boatload of money for it, and that the consultant was somebody who got burned by F. on some other deal. And now that old cow with a disastrous career runs around betraying the ones who once trusted her, and still trust.
Anyhoo. Only five days to go. And then THANKGODITSFRIDAY again, Jesus.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Me and Napoleon
So I'm often asked about my management style. Especially people will ask that again after my upcoming amazing speech in our next conference call and everyone will realize again what an incredibly deep thinker I am.
(I've seen those rumors about how I didn't really write my speeches, how I just hired some ghostwriter to prepare some clunky statement. All I can say is: Please. My PR gofers only fix fix some grammar errors and punch it up a bit. But I'm the one who spends half a day running around figuring out what mellifluous news to announce this time).
Anyhoo, my management style. Okay. I'm a little geeked about sharing my secrets, so I won't tell you everything. I'm saving the best stuff for the book I plan to write after I leave here. Then again, I'm probably not gonna be around much longer so here's a little taste.
Most important thing is I never subscribed to the conventional wisdom of the East Coast management "experts" like Jack Welch, who used to run General Electric or General Motors, whatever.
For example. Welch says do a lot of reviews and always let people know where they stand. I say, No way. In fact, quite the opposite. Never let people know where they stand. Keep them guessing. Keep them afraid. Otherwise they get complacent.
Creativity springs from fear. Think of a painter, or a writer, or a composer, even a photographer, working furiously in his studio, afraid he's going to starve to death if he doesn't get this piece of work just right. That's where greatness comes from. Well, same goes for little girls and boys at Getty. They come in every day knowing it could be their last day. They work like hell, trust me.
Because you know what? Fear works. Look at the crappy cars that get made in Detroit, where they had these jobs for life and union rules and nobody is worried about anything. Now compare that to the stuff that gets made in Vietnamese sweatshops. Or the bridge in "The Bridge over the River Kwai." That bridge was friggin perfect. Please don't say it was because the Brits were just these amazing perfectionists who wanted to do this ace job.
Come on. I love the Brits but these are not people who are known for the quality of their workmanship. Ever bought a British car? My KleinMobile is italian. Okay, enough said. No, what motivated those lazy, stupid Brits was their fear of the efficient, vicious Japanese. You put people's lives in danger, and they do their best work.
Obviously we can't literally put our employees' lives at risk. But we have to make them feel that way. This requires a lot of psychological manipulation on our part. But look at the result. You think we could have made our new web site so reliable if our developers didn't believe in their hearts that every time a bug surfaced one man was going to be killed?
Which leads me to my next management myth. You don't have to hire the best people. You can hire anyone, as long as you scare the bejesus out of them. That's the key, the fear. This applies not only to middle management and cubicle jerks, but to all of your staff, including top executives and even the board of directors.
In fact, especially the board of directors. A corollary to this rule is this: Only promote stupid people. But not just any stupid people. You have to find the certain type of stupid people who actually believe they're super brilliant. They make insanely great managers and are super easy to manipulate. It's pretty easy to spot them. Former McKinsey consultants are top candidates.
The MBAs say you should set high standards, let people know what's expected of them, and hold them to that. I do a little twist on that and say, Hold people to an impossibly high standard, but here's the twist -- don't tell them what that standard is. And fire them if they fall short. You know what that does to people? Makes them friggin crazy. And guess what. Crazy people are more creative. And more productive. Every shrink in the world knows this. Go rent "A Beautiful Mind" if you don't believe me.
Another MBA type rule that I never follow is where they say a CEO or manager should be consistent and predictable. I say just the opposite. Be inconsistent and unpredictable. Be totally random. One day say something is great and the guy who made it is a genius; the next day say it's crap, and he's frigtard. Wait a few days, and repeat the process. Watch how hard that guy will work now, trying to impress you.
Management gurus also tell you to reward performance, and dole out loads of praise. I disagree. My motto is this: No praise. Ever. You start praising people and pretty soon they start thinking they're as smart as you are. You cannot have this.
All employees must know at all times that you are better in every way than they are. Look at former D. at C. Repeated criticism, in the most humiliating fashion, is one way to accomplish this. Once you have established your superiority you must make a big deal of being super modest and humble in public. Toss around some Zen type stuff and chinese wisdom blaH blaH, and tell people you're a super-progressive liberal. (Which, fair enough, I am).
One way to keep people's spirits broken is to fire people on a regular basis for no reason. Fly off the handle, shout at people, call them names, then fire them. Or better yet. Don't fire them. So they think they survived. Then wait a few days, till they're totally relaxed, and then fire them. It's all part of creating and maintaining the culture of fear.
It´s fun to play the "Terminator" game and pick some random reason to fire someone, like we'll just fire the first person we meet with red hair, or the first person who dares to speak to us without being spoken to first. You're all fired, you assholes! Get out! Right now! Usually I call security and have them taken out in handcuffs and don't even let them clear their desks. Family photos, personal items, car keys -- all into the trash. Tough noogies, traitors.
I also keep an eye out for enemies and potential insurrections, and I kill them off quickly. My advice here is simple: Be friggin ruthless.
Well, that's my little food for thought, and I hope you find it helpful. I could go on all day but I need to prepare my speech for the first day in November, and we´re all excited about the news. Peace out.
(I've seen those rumors about how I didn't really write my speeches, how I just hired some ghostwriter to prepare some clunky statement. All I can say is: Please. My PR gofers only fix fix some grammar errors and punch it up a bit. But I'm the one who spends half a day running around figuring out what mellifluous news to announce this time).
Anyhoo, my management style. Okay. I'm a little geeked about sharing my secrets, so I won't tell you everything. I'm saving the best stuff for the book I plan to write after I leave here. Then again, I'm probably not gonna be around much longer so here's a little taste.
Most important thing is I never subscribed to the conventional wisdom of the East Coast management "experts" like Jack Welch, who used to run General Electric or General Motors, whatever.
For example. Welch says do a lot of reviews and always let people know where they stand. I say, No way. In fact, quite the opposite. Never let people know where they stand. Keep them guessing. Keep them afraid. Otherwise they get complacent.
Creativity springs from fear. Think of a painter, or a writer, or a composer, even a photographer, working furiously in his studio, afraid he's going to starve to death if he doesn't get this piece of work just right. That's where greatness comes from. Well, same goes for little girls and boys at Getty. They come in every day knowing it could be their last day. They work like hell, trust me.
Because you know what? Fear works. Look at the crappy cars that get made in Detroit, where they had these jobs for life and union rules and nobody is worried about anything. Now compare that to the stuff that gets made in Vietnamese sweatshops. Or the bridge in "The Bridge over the River Kwai." That bridge was friggin perfect. Please don't say it was because the Brits were just these amazing perfectionists who wanted to do this ace job.
Come on. I love the Brits but these are not people who are known for the quality of their workmanship. Ever bought a British car? My KleinMobile is italian. Okay, enough said. No, what motivated those lazy, stupid Brits was their fear of the efficient, vicious Japanese. You put people's lives in danger, and they do their best work.
Obviously we can't literally put our employees' lives at risk. But we have to make them feel that way. This requires a lot of psychological manipulation on our part. But look at the result. You think we could have made our new web site so reliable if our developers didn't believe in their hearts that every time a bug surfaced one man was going to be killed?
Which leads me to my next management myth. You don't have to hire the best people. You can hire anyone, as long as you scare the bejesus out of them. That's the key, the fear. This applies not only to middle management and cubicle jerks, but to all of your staff, including top executives and even the board of directors.
In fact, especially the board of directors. A corollary to this rule is this: Only promote stupid people. But not just any stupid people. You have to find the certain type of stupid people who actually believe they're super brilliant. They make insanely great managers and are super easy to manipulate. It's pretty easy to spot them. Former McKinsey consultants are top candidates.
The MBAs say you should set high standards, let people know what's expected of them, and hold them to that. I do a little twist on that and say, Hold people to an impossibly high standard, but here's the twist -- don't tell them what that standard is. And fire them if they fall short. You know what that does to people? Makes them friggin crazy. And guess what. Crazy people are more creative. And more productive. Every shrink in the world knows this. Go rent "A Beautiful Mind" if you don't believe me.
Another MBA type rule that I never follow is where they say a CEO or manager should be consistent and predictable. I say just the opposite. Be inconsistent and unpredictable. Be totally random. One day say something is great and the guy who made it is a genius; the next day say it's crap, and he's frigtard. Wait a few days, and repeat the process. Watch how hard that guy will work now, trying to impress you.
Management gurus also tell you to reward performance, and dole out loads of praise. I disagree. My motto is this: No praise. Ever. You start praising people and pretty soon they start thinking they're as smart as you are. You cannot have this.
All employees must know at all times that you are better in every way than they are. Look at former D. at C. Repeated criticism, in the most humiliating fashion, is one way to accomplish this. Once you have established your superiority you must make a big deal of being super modest and humble in public. Toss around some Zen type stuff and chinese wisdom blaH blaH, and tell people you're a super-progressive liberal. (Which, fair enough, I am).
One way to keep people's spirits broken is to fire people on a regular basis for no reason. Fly off the handle, shout at people, call them names, then fire them. Or better yet. Don't fire them. So they think they survived. Then wait a few days, till they're totally relaxed, and then fire them. It's all part of creating and maintaining the culture of fear.
It´s fun to play the "Terminator" game and pick some random reason to fire someone, like we'll just fire the first person we meet with red hair, or the first person who dares to speak to us without being spoken to first. You're all fired, you assholes! Get out! Right now! Usually I call security and have them taken out in handcuffs and don't even let them clear their desks. Family photos, personal items, car keys -- all into the trash. Tough noogies, traitors.
I also keep an eye out for enemies and potential insurrections, and I kill them off quickly. My advice here is simple: Be friggin ruthless.
Well, that's my little food for thought, and I hope you find it helpful. I could go on all day but I need to prepare my speech for the first day in November, and we´re all excited about the news. Peace out.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Arnie is a nice guy
Unfrigginbelievable. This just happened in mid-week and I'm still soooo pissed.
Met with X17 goofballs in LA. Back in what they call in Golden State (where all agencies are headed by smart gays or lesbians) a goddam hotel I couldn´t sleep, so like at 3 or 4 in the morning I'm out cruising on the 101 in the KleinMobile trying to brainstorm something for a certain product that we're about to announce to the whole friggin world in like three friggin weeks and we still don't have it ready ... anyway I do this sometimes just to get my head together.
And I get pulled over.
This total CHPs guy. Says I'm going eighty. I'm like, Dude, maybe you didn't notice, but I'm in a Maserati Quattroporte, which can go like 180 miles per hour, so, uh, like going eighty is like standing still, okay?
I mean it's not like I'm in some Volkswagen Golf and I'm gonna blow a gasket or something.
So then the guy gets all pissy and wants to see my license and I'm like, Dude, I don't have it. But do you really not know who I am? Did you not see the license plate? (Which says JDKLEIN, kinda hard to miss that, right?).
He tells me to step out of the car. I'm like, Bitch, I'm Jonathan D Klein, WTF, #&@?! I invented the friggin $ 49 hammer, okay? Have you heard of it?
Next thing I know I'm flat on the pavement, face down, hands cuffed behind my back.
I don't want to relive the whole experience but let's just say that it involved a few unpleasant hours spent in a police station holding cell and a small army of Getty lawyers (now that would have been a job for touchy John boy) and finally a phone call from the Governator himself. (who happens to be a HUGE fan of Getty and is making his next blockbuster available entirely on our footage web site).
The good news is that while sitting in my cell, meditating and humming my syllable or whatever, I totally had a breakthrough and realized how we could eliminate an unnecessary button on the user interface of this as-yet-unannounced product by combining two function sets into a click and double-click arrangement. Brilliant, uh? Linda, hello?
And to all you CHPs guys: Yeah, that really was Arnold, and he really is a friend of mine, and now he's got your names on a list. Enjoy your new career as shopping mall security guards, frigtards.
Met with X17 goofballs in LA. Back in what they call in Golden State (where all agencies are headed by smart gays or lesbians) a goddam hotel I couldn´t sleep, so like at 3 or 4 in the morning I'm out cruising on the 101 in the KleinMobile trying to brainstorm something for a certain product that we're about to announce to the whole friggin world in like three friggin weeks and we still don't have it ready ... anyway I do this sometimes just to get my head together.
And I get pulled over.
This total CHPs guy. Says I'm going eighty. I'm like, Dude, maybe you didn't notice, but I'm in a Maserati Quattroporte, which can go like 180 miles per hour, so, uh, like going eighty is like standing still, okay?
I mean it's not like I'm in some Volkswagen Golf and I'm gonna blow a gasket or something.
So then the guy gets all pissy and wants to see my license and I'm like, Dude, I don't have it. But do you really not know who I am? Did you not see the license plate? (Which says JDKLEIN, kinda hard to miss that, right?).
He tells me to step out of the car. I'm like, Bitch, I'm Jonathan D Klein, WTF, #&@?! I invented the friggin $ 49 hammer, okay? Have you heard of it?
Next thing I know I'm flat on the pavement, face down, hands cuffed behind my back.
I don't want to relive the whole experience but let's just say that it involved a few unpleasant hours spent in a police station holding cell and a small army of Getty lawyers (now that would have been a job for touchy John boy) and finally a phone call from the Governator himself. (who happens to be a HUGE fan of Getty and is making his next blockbuster available entirely on our footage web site).
The good news is that while sitting in my cell, meditating and humming my syllable or whatever, I totally had a breakthrough and realized how we could eliminate an unnecessary button on the user interface of this as-yet-unannounced product by combining two function sets into a click and double-click arrangement. Brilliant, uh? Linda, hello?
And to all you CHPs guys: Yeah, that really was Arnold, and he really is a friend of mine, and now he's got your names on a list. Enjoy your new career as shopping mall security guards, frigtards.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Creative Express. CFOs are wimps.
People often ask me how I feel about drugs.
My stance on this is a little bit controversial. I like drugs. I think they´re good. Fair enough, not heroin. And not cocaine or crack or crystal meth and not this wacked out paranoia-inducing hydroponic stuff that they grow today. This stuff that makes you want to crawl under your bed and hide.
But soft drugs, like marijuana and hashish, and the psychedelics, like LSD and peyote, I think are really beneficial both on an individual level and a cultural level.
Frankly, I think marijuana is what got the US out of Vietnam and Getty out of acquiring Masterfile or one of the other clowns lurking around.
In my own life, but more in the life of my creative team, drugs and booze have played a huge role not only in helping us relax and unwind and have a good time, but also in being able to open up creativity and see things in a very, very new way.
Without marijuana and hashish, I can almost guarantee you, there would have been no Valueline. Without booze-ups, certainly there would have been no $49 web use product.
After Liz left, I needed Vodka, all kind of stuff. CFO leaves, it´s always analysts argue like "CFOs are extremely cautious characters. They leave voluntarily, there must be something going on. Biz is down. Liz left, biz left. CFOs know - wait they feel, they smell a rat in advance." iStock.
Then there's a story in it for somebody, investor community is up in arms, but they won´t tell you personally. "Hello Jonathan", and big grin. Wimpy bastards. When they get a feather whatever in their analyst asses, like CFO leaves, the shit flies high. We´ve seen it elsewhere.
Which is all a long way of saying that the first thing I did when I got home last night was put on some Leonard Cohen, and watch this video. (Fair enough, the blood towards the end is the blood of my enemies). And fire up a bowl of some fine reddish buds.
It’s mellow stuff, Seventies style weed. I have our weed specially grown for our creative team, up in Oregon, by a grower who knows how to keep the THC content low. Really, really nice. I highly recommend it. We have new creative products in the pipeline.
Ya'll have a great Columbus Day Weekend.
My stance on this is a little bit controversial. I like drugs. I think they´re good. Fair enough, not heroin. And not cocaine or crack or crystal meth and not this wacked out paranoia-inducing hydroponic stuff that they grow today. This stuff that makes you want to crawl under your bed and hide.
But soft drugs, like marijuana and hashish, and the psychedelics, like LSD and peyote, I think are really beneficial both on an individual level and a cultural level.
Frankly, I think marijuana is what got the US out of Vietnam and Getty out of acquiring Masterfile or one of the other clowns lurking around.
In my own life, but more in the life of my creative team, drugs and booze have played a huge role not only in helping us relax and unwind and have a good time, but also in being able to open up creativity and see things in a very, very new way.
Without marijuana and hashish, I can almost guarantee you, there would have been no Valueline. Without booze-ups, certainly there would have been no $49 web use product.
After Liz left, I needed Vodka, all kind of stuff. CFO leaves, it´s always analysts argue like "CFOs are extremely cautious characters. They leave voluntarily, there must be something going on. Biz is down. Liz left, biz left. CFOs know - wait they feel, they smell a rat in advance." iStock.
Then there's a story in it for somebody, investor community is up in arms, but they won´t tell you personally. "Hello Jonathan", and big grin. Wimpy bastards. When they get a feather whatever in their analyst asses, like CFO leaves, the shit flies high. We´ve seen it elsewhere.
Which is all a long way of saying that the first thing I did when I got home last night was put on some Leonard Cohen, and watch this video. (Fair enough, the blood towards the end is the blood of my enemies). And fire up a bowl of some fine reddish buds.
It’s mellow stuff, Seventies style weed. I have our weed specially grown for our creative team, up in Oregon, by a grower who knows how to keep the THC content low. Really, really nice. I highly recommend it. We have new creative products in the pipeline.
Ya'll have a great Columbus Day Weekend.
Monday, October 1, 2007
It´s just, you know, I just don´t like that
So you kids are waiting for our consumer site to view images and ask yourself, uh, what the fuss? You will be scared shitless when we release it these days. Sad to say, we´re long overdue.
Now can someone over in Calgary whom I appointed SVP Technology please be so kind to admit his responsibility and guarantee that at least JUST ONE SINGLE DAY your micro cowshed is fully online, WTF!? Now that would be - - JUST GREAT! Wall Street won´t like another execution glitch burning $1.5 million.
Now can someone over in Calgary whom I appointed SVP Technology please be so kind to admit his responsibility and guarantee that at least JUST ONE SINGLE DAY your micro cowshed is fully online, WTF!? Now that would be - - JUST GREAT! Wall Street won´t like another execution glitch burning $1.5 million.
